Homeward Bound
by labourofliterature
Summary: They'd had a somewhat challenging relationship from the get-go in junior year, which hadn't surprised either of them given that their adolescent romance had sparked to life somewhere between a near nose job and a bitch slap in a bathroom.
1. Prologue

"…I wish I was."

A wave of passion thawed through her chest and rushed straight to her heart when a soft hand traced a path across her stomach, stroking little love hearts into her skin. Goosebumps rose on her arms and tingles shivered through her whole body at the gesture, and though her conscience was screaming at her not to, Rachel couldn't help but roll further into the touch and curled onto her side until she was face to face with her partner.

An understanding smile graced the lips before her and the arm wandered higher until a palm came to rest in-between Rachel's shoulder blades and pulled her closer until her face was tucked snugly into a hot neck.

As if by instinct, Rachel parted her lips and pressed the softest of kisses to the sweaty skin within her reach and smiled at the contented hum that she heard from above. It was a sound she'd never tire of hearing, so she kissed again – selfishly so – because she was in love with this neck and wouldn't ever pass up an opportunity to kiss it.

Two hands quickly found their way around Rachel's body and pulled her impossibly closer, then slipping a leg between her two and hooking her ankle under Rachel's calf. A quiet 'I love you' was murmured between them and their lips connected. Behind fireworks and supernovas, it was like their first kiss, every time, and Rachel whimpered weakly against the lips that were so needily pressing on hers. She tilted her head and allowed her lover to deepen their kiss and released a quiet sigh at the feel of a deft tongue grazing her lower lip.

A million miles away, in her rational mind, Rachel knew this was wrong. She knew it every time it happened, but just like she'd done today, she always came back, to this apartment two hours from her own home in Allentown and slipped into an adulterous shame in a world far from the reality of her husband and son. And despite knowing the pain it would inflict on her family if they ever found out about her lover, she couldn't ignore how _right_it felt to be in these arms and to kiss these lips and to love this soul.

Nothing burned in her like desire, and the embrace she often returned forced her to face the unfortunate truth that her heart was quite stuck here, in Manhattan in this room, in the person lying beside her, and there was nothing she could do to save herself.

Her thoughts often got the best of her in times like this, when the two of them lay in silence and kissed each other until one of them pulled away for air and neither of them could ignore it. They tried their best, because their time together was always limited and they didn't want to spend it with guilt on their shoulders.

But today was different, because Rachel was carrying a little more this time and finding the right moment to articulate what was on her mind was drifting further and further away with each passion-filled kiss. But the sun had set long ago, and she knew that Peter would probably be waiting up for her.

Rachel always worked late on Thursdays and on occasion stayed over night at the office planning projects with various musicians. It wasn't for her. It was never for her. On this day, though, she'd left work early just to come here and spend one last night in beloved arms before they were to part for several weeks.

A husky, familiar voice murmured something against her lips and broke the kiss with a gasp and Rachel pulled back to gaze into rich hazel eyes that shone at her with utter adoration and affection.

It made her heart flutter.

For a moment she stopped listening and her eyes washed over the face only centimeters from her own. For years she'd admired it, all through high school she'd been envious of that perfect nose, the captivating eyes and the damn sexiest jaw she'd ever seen in her life. The same blooming blonde hair that had cascaded over shoulders when it wasn't pulled back in a ponytail, making Rachel's knees weak, was now tangled between her fingers, giving off a sweet vanilla scent. Skin, that was constantly glowing, and nimble hands that were much more gentle than she'd ever expected were now pressed against her – holding her.

She really was the prettiest girl she'd ever met, but rather than her being Rachel's best quality, Quinn Fabray had played a crucial part in becoming her worst.


	2. I love you, but you're bringing me down

A/N: My muse comes and goes as it pleases, but I'm trying my best to have regular updates. The entire story is planned out, but i'm still writing. I welcome all feedback and please enjoy!

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><p>Quinn had asked herself time and time again where things had started to go wrong. Days had been lost with her just recalling and taking apart the past 5 years to find the exact point where her future and Rachel's, had started to unfold in different directions.<p>

They'd had a somewhat challenging relationship from the get-go in junior year, which hadn't surprised either of them given that their adolescent romance had sparked to life somewhere between a near nose job and a bitch slap in a bathroom. Then there was Finn – a constant 6 foot something wall between them – who had pined after Rachel through their entire senior year, resulting in their dramatic break-up and consequentially, Quinn's accident.

It had driven them further apart at first, with Quinn's resentment towards the brunette and her almost husband, and Rachel's pride that allowed Joe Hart to drive the wedge between her and Quinn even deeper, but as Nationals and graduation approached, Rachel spent less time with Finn, and more time intruding herself on Quinn's rehabilitation appointments. After graduation, they both found themselves in New York at Yale and NYADA. With only an hour by train between them, they re-connected and by the end of their second semester, they were together again.

That was until Rachel stood Quinn up on their two-year-anniversary. January 13th, 7PM and Quinn was stood outside, shivering in the falling snow at their favourite restaurant in New York City, waiting for her girlfriend, who never showed up. She'd been furious at first, but after finding out that Rachel had blown her off – without so much as a text message –because her _friend_, Brody had just had his heart broken by a girl and she needed to be there for him, her anger turned to hurt.

As if by default, Quinn had started to dislike Brody over the remaining college years. All of sudden, her and Rachel had less time to spend together because the brunette had already made plans with him and she couldn't 'break her commitment' – and Quinn certainly wasn't above being a smartass and pointing out the blatant irony in Rachel's non-excuse.

And that was what everything became, excuse after excuse until one day Rachel turned up on Quinn's doorstep in New Haven and ended their relationship. Then one night when she was back in Lima, in the 'not long enough to be in another relationship' future, Quinn was bored and browsing her Facebook homepage when a picture appeared:

**Rachel Berry **was tagged in a photo.

Noticing that it was from Brody's account – who she wasn't friends with because _please_ – her curiosity peaked and Quinn clicked on Rachel's profile to find that Rachel was having a party for the Fourth of July at her loft in Bushwick. The picture captured Kurt smiling wryly at Rachel who was caught in what Quinn decided was an involuntary headlock by _Brody_, with the biggest smile on her face. Brody was smiling too and his arm disappeared in the corner of the photo, as though he was holding the camera. Unable to help herself, Quinn started to click through the pictures. There was one with Santana, who looked repulsed and was clearly unaware that she was being snapped on camera, which left Quinn wondering what she was looking at, though she needn't have wondered much longer after the next picture appeared.

Rachel was holding the camera in front of them this time and was expertly snapping a shot of herself and Brody caught in a lip-lock. Quinn cringed at first, not at the sight but rather the sharp stabbing feeling in her chest that made her feel incredibly nauseous. Then in her rage, Quinn removed Rachel from her 'friends' list and slammed her laptop shut, only to regret it the next day when her backspace key kept sticking.

From then on, Quinn only really heard about Rachel's life when she saw Kurt, which wasn't very often. Her and Santana kept in touch and saw each other often, but they didn't spend a lot of time discussing the girl who had 'screwed' Quinn 'right in the heart' _twice_, as Santana so gracefully liked to put it. Unless there was something notable, or Santana was complaining. Much like she did when Brody left Rachel, because the teary brunette was moping around the loft all the time. Or when Rachel started dating again, which was even worse because if there was anything more annoying than teary Rachel, it was fluffy Rachel; and her new boyfriend, Peter had turned her into a 'disgustingly gushy ball of fluff'. It infuriated Quinn when Kurt told her she'd 'moved on' from her dreams of bright lights and Broadway stages because Peter had swept her off her feet. Rachel Berry didn't 'move on' from her dreams, _especially_ if said dreams revolved around Broadway or singing. That girl was born for the stage and the knowledge that Rachel was no longer striving for that pushed Quinn right back through the doors to Berryville.

It'd been a surprising and slightly awkward process at first, but after a few 'group hangs', sending cards on occasions and re-adding her on Facebook, Quinn and Rachel re-connected for the third time through sporadic text messages, which turned into daily updates, to large phone bills that neither of them seemed to struggle with. Santana warned Quinn, as she started visiting their loft more often, that Rachel wasn't going to leave Peter, but Quinn, stubborn as ever, decided that she knew Rachel better than Santana did and if Rachel loved her the way she thought she did, she'd be with Quinn in an instant.

It was the last day of Hanukkah when Quinn told Rachel how she felt – even still, after all that time – to be faced with a regrettable rejection.

Rachel couldn't say that she'd been surprised to find out that Quinn had never really stopped loving her, because she felt the exact same way. As soon as Brody had left her for the next best thing, Rachel realized what she'd thrown away, but was too scared to go after Quinn after the blonde had broken all contact between them. She'd made it pretty obvious that she didn't want Rachel in her life any longer.

Then she met Peter, and while she'd fallen in love with him almost immediately, she knew she'd always love Quinn just that little bit more. But she settled, because Peter was good, kind-hearted, handsome and honest, and she loved him. She quit NYADA in the middle of her senior year to follow her new dreams. Her new dreams of settling down and starting a family with the man she loved, all while her love for Quinn was always unwavering.

Because with Peter came security and stability, which was something she'd never had with Quinn. It'd always been reckless and entirely passion-driven.

The first time it happened was January 13th, only 10 months into Rachel's relationship with Peter and coincidentally what would've been their four-year anniversary had their high school breakup never happened. They were at a show, and in the middle of one of Quinn's many attempts to make Rachel fall back in love with the stage and realize that she could have stability _and_ a dream. Quinn had scored them tickets to 'Funny Girl' and during _Who Are You Now?_ Rachel reached across the arm rest, grabbed Quinn's hand and squeezed.

An hour later, Rachel kissed her, and they spent the night together in Quinn's dorm, only to wake up the next morning swearing it could never happen again. It was the first of many broken promises, and to this day, Quinn was still trying to pin point the moment that everything went downhill for her.

Sometimes she wished that she'd never kissed Rachel back that night. She could've avoided continuous heartbreak on a weekly basis whenever she had to say goodbye to her and watch her to go back to her family. Or when the brunette had been laying on top of her one night and told her that Peter had proposed, or the following night when she'd sent her a _text message_ to tell her she'd said yes, because apparently that was all she was worth. Then again, a year later, when she'd fallen pregnant and another year when she'd given birth to Nicholas. He was heartbreakingly beautiful and apart from the blue eyes, looked just like Rachel with his soft brown hair and plump little lips.

But if Quinn hadn't kissed her back, she wouldn't have the stolen moments that she lives for. She wouldn't be able to kiss Rachel, or hear the words back whenever she says 'I love you'. She wouldn't be able to fall asleep holding her, or feel the need behind her kisses whenever they met.

That being said, Quinn couldn't help but think about the life she'd have without Rachel at all. She wouldn't wake up to an empty bed every day, she wouldn't anticipate the next batch of bad news from anyone, and she wouldn't know love or the sacrifices worth making for it.

She wouldn't be watching the love of her life go home to her husband and son at the end of every day instead of staying with her.

She saw Rachel several times a week, and since graduation, her career had taken off and Quinn was living in Hamilton Heights pursuing her acting career. The next day she was flying to the West Coast to audition for a role on a show based in New York.

She told herself she wasn't dictating her life around Rachel, but if she could stay in New York and pursue her chosen career, it was even better.

Rachel had since moved to Allentown after Peter's work took them to a more residential area. Nicholas could play outside in a garden as well, as opposed to sitting on a balcony in an NYC apartment. So essentially, Quinn's life had turned into a 10,000-piece jigsaw puzzle, except there were parts missing and parts that didn't fit together anymore, and it all came back to Rachel.

Most of her moments came back to Rachel, and right now, she was watching the brunette move around the room like a storm, pulling on items of discarded clothing while trying to fix her hair and find her phone and keys at the same time. She groaned frustratedly and shot Quinn a filthy look when she found one of the buttons on her blouse was missing and tore it off all together to shove it into her bag. Luckily, she had a sweater with her.

Quinn bunched the sheets in her fists and held it up around her naked body as she stumbled out of the bed and across the room to the bathroom where she made a point to slam the door behind her.

They'd had a fight. _Again_. But what did Rachel expect? She'd just told her that she was _pregnant! _She had every right to be furious with her. For the past five years Rachel had treated her like some dirty little secret and hurt her over and over again without giving her a moments thought. So maybe it was a little ungraceful of her to call Rachel a hoe, but they'd had an amazing evening up until she'd dropped the baby bomb.

They'd gone for dinner and even seen a movie together and it would've been the perfect send-off for Quinn, but once again, Rachel had to selfishly clear her conscience at the expense of someone else.

Quinn braced her hands on the side of the sink in the bathroom, and gazed intently at her reflection as the cool marble rushed through her body like a Xanax and gradually soothed her temper until she felt ready to go out and tackle the situation. Her cheeks were flushed, and she could justify that it was because her apartment was always hot because Rachel was always cold and she was nothing if not accommodating; but she knew their argument had affected her more than she'd like to admit.

She'd been called many things in her life, and knocked down by people she thought were her friends and casting agents, but throughout all the adversity and challenges she'd faced as a result, Rachel had always been there, even when they were only friends. Rachel would give her a hand to hold and a shoulder to lean on until she could stand again. Though tonight, Rachel had jumped ship and resorted to harsh words and defences to take Quinn down, leaving the blonde feeling more betrayed – as if that was at all possible – than before.

Quinn half expected to find an empty room when she opened the bathroom door, like she had done a few times in the past when their arguments had gotten so heated at least one of them had been left in tears, but this time she found the brunette perched – fully dressed and pristine looking – on the foot of the bed.

She looked up when she realized that she was no longer alone in the room and beckoned Quinn with her eyes and a shy smile. Unable to resist, Quinn plodded over, keeping one hand holding up the sheet around her and dropped herself down next to Rachel. She let her hand be pulled into the lap beside her and her heart stupidly fluttered at the gesture. Their fingers slid together so easily and Rachel turned to gaze absorbedly into hazel eyes as though she was searching for something, but she herself didn't know what.

A hand cupped Quinn's cheek and her thumb stroked back and forth just under her eye, waiting to catch any tears that may fall.

"You _know _that I love you." Came tumbling off of Rachel's lips and surprised them both, leaving them speechless for a few seconds. Confessions of love were usually only expressed beneath their sheets in moments of passion and not in their sobered conversations. Relief washed over Quinn when she saw Rachel smile to herself and carry on. "I was really hoping we wouldn't fight on our last night together." She articulated more rationally this time, much to Quinn's dismay.

It was in moments of fervour or rage that Rachel often spoke the truth and she wanted nothing more than an insight into the brunette's mind.

"You know what they say about hope." Quinn quipped and Rachel rolled her eyes. _Breeds eternal misery._

"Please, Quinn."

The blonde sighed and untangled her fingers from Rachel's loving grasp. It wasn't fair that she could so easily hypnotize her by just the touch of her hand. Not when she had a husband and a son and a 50 percent chance there was another on the way. Really, how was she supposed to react? What could Rachel really have been hoping for? A celebration? Or maybe she'd wanted Quinn to passionately object because 'enough was enough' and _they_ belonged together. But Quinn had tried that, and it hadn't worked the way it was supposed to.

Rachel hadn't fallen into her arms. She'd continually fallen back into Peter's.

"I don't know what you expect from me." And half the time, Rachel didn't know herself, Quinn thought.

"I-I want you to be happy for me." She sounded unsure and Quinn knew she was just saying words to fill what were no longer comfortable silences. Gone were the days where they could just be in each other's company without words to say. Unless they were in bed together, one of them would always fill the silence.

Quinn scoffed and let out a haughty chuckle. "Do you really?"

Rachel nodded and the smug smile was gone from Quinn's face in an instant.

"You're a liar."

"I am _no_-"

"Either you're a liar or far more self-centred than I ever thought."

Rachel fell silent because neither sounded particularly appealing if she were to pick a label. Of course she'd known Quinn wouldn't be _happy_ about the news, but when she'd told her about Nicholas, she'd just smiled – a little sadly – but then she'd congratulated her and that'd been it. It wasn't fair that Quinn had reacted so passionately this time and expressed said passion through a colorful string of biting insults.

"I don't think that's very fair to –"

"'Fair' isn't a debate you want to start with me today, Rachel." She glanced at her watch and rolled her eyes. It was past 10. Rachel never usually stayed later than 9:30 so she could make it home in ample time before Peter went to bed, and Quinn usually tried to persuade her to stay the night, but today, this evening she was almost tempted to send Rachel out of the door without even so much as a goodnight kiss.

But who was she kidding? She knew she'd never be able to do that. It'd always been one of her biggest faults that she could scarcely say no to Rachel and it had been driving her into a dark hole of loneliness from the age of 18.

"You're being defensive." Rachel said very matter-of-factly. _Was she serious?_ She chanced a grasp at Quinn's hand, but the blonde stiffened and shifted uncomfortably beside her, nonetheless not putting any more distance between them. Quinn just shook her head hopelessly; because there was still so much Rachel didn't know.

There was still so much she couldn't see.

"I think you should go, Rach." It wasn't said with malice, but her tone didn't carry the usual despondency it did whenever Rachel had to leave.

"Do you really want me to leave?" Rachel asked sadly and Quinn nodded just once. Then for a few seconds, as though entirely unfamiliar with this context, both women just stared at the other. It wasn't uncommon for them to simply watch each other when they lay together, or when one was chattering away and the other caught up in a daydream about the other, but on what could so easily be perceived as a negative request, they were never speechless and Quinn could feel it churning away in her stomach as she watched Rachel's eyes search hers _desperately_ for something, _anything_ that could give the indication that there wasn't a deeper meaning behind the request and that Quinn still loved her even though she was having another baby.

On occasions like this, when Rachel's emotion got the better of her, Quinn could read her so effortlessly. So painfully easy that she often found herself torn between wanting to dive deeper to take all she could in these rare moments and to run away, if only to spare her own feelings. _Someone_ had to be concerned with them.

Feeling utterly drained by the tension between them, and by Rachel's vulnerable eyes, Quinn made the quick decision to wind her fingers into Rachel's hair and pull her down into a stupefying kiss. And _oh God_, was it stupefying.

Acting entirely on instinct, Rachel fisted her hands into the sheet around Quinn's body and pulled it towards her, dragging Quinn with it. The feel of Rachel's hands pulling her closer made her stomach swoop pleasantly into her throat, and she let out a shuddering breath when Rachel's lips parted against hers, seeking permission to deepen the kiss.

She was still trying to pull her impossibly closer and all of a sudden, Rachel's hand was sliding its way up Quinn's waist and attempting to pull the sheet away. Quinn let it happen, like she always did and when she felt soft fingers against her skin, her chest burned with devastation.

Because these hands would never be hers.

The kiss intensified even further and in a swift motion Rachel was straddling a half naked Quinn back on the bed. Rachel kept their lips mashed together because she knew the moment they parted; she'd have to really leave.

The thought of parking up in Allentown and crawling into bed with Peter made her feel uneasy; resentful, because _God,_ he was a good guy, he was an amazing husband and father, but it wasn't how Rachel had imagined her life to be. Nothing about her life was what she'd planned for herself. Her fathers were disappointed at her decisions, but they were there for her through dropping out of NYADA and leaving the City to start a family. Travelling two hours back into Manhattan five times a week wasn't easy, and it certainly wasn't cheap; but her journeys home were always interrupted by a stop at Quinn's; and that made life bearable. And _fuck_, she knew it made her sound like a horrible human being, and Rachel loved her son more than anything in the world, but he was a constant reminder of the life she'd so naively fallen into at the tender age of 20.

Now at 25, she was living a double life. One where she was in love with her husband and adored her son. She was the ever-doting mother, and dutiful wife who thrived on nurturing a happy family. But on occasion, Rachel would slip away and find solace in the arms of rising star, Quinn Fabray, her high school sweetheart.

She knew she'd been at fault from the start of their relationship and Quinn had laid down numerous chances for them to be together over the past five years. She never could quite figure out what had stopped her before she'd met Peter; it could've been the lack of security, the need for instant success, the fact that she'd never felt 100% secure in Quinn's presence, no matter how many times the blonde had confessed her love because really, Quinn was the most beautiful woman in the world and could have anyone she wanted.

She'd never understood why Quinn had chosen her in the first place.

But it wasn't worth dwelling on anymore because she had Peter and she couldn't fault him. He provided for her and their son, he loved her and he treated her like a princess. But guilt wasn't in Rachel's agenda. She knew it made her stony and potentially sociopathic, but Quinn was, and always would be the love of her life.

It was her biggest regret. She was trapped and it made her crazy. It made her resent and it made her hate. She was a selfish shell of a person, and powerless but to face the bitter truth that it takes a life to learn how to live.

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><p>"<em>Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process she does not become a monster…" – Friedrich Nietzsche<em>


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